Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
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My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.