I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
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Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”