[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
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1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]