In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
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[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.