One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
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*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.