Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
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I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now