Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
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February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Imagine having a party on purpose.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
I am yelling
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I’m confused about plants
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack