If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
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United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
this is the best interaction on twitter
FINE, I WON’T.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean