I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
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I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.