one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
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Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.