My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
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Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”