Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
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First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
smartest karate player in the world
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)