genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
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My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
“What movie?” 🤔
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.