Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
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“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.