While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
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My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.