STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
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[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
dude it’s called proctologist
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.