[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
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ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born