Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
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My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes