my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
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The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”