ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
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People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely