I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
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‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one