Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
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me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I’m not stressed
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.