Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
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This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
There’s only one good girl here!
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything