You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
You Might Also Like
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam