How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
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Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game