(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
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Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?