It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
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Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Body by cheese-puffs.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume