If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
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[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work