[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
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Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
#Caturday
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.