If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
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馃ゲ
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Flock of bats
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year鈥檚 calendar on the fridge*
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner鈥檚 family Christmas lunch.
ME: we鈥檙e gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I鈥檓 not like the other girls. I鈥檓 a 37 year old man.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Good for him馃槈馃ぃ馃槈馃ぃ馃槈馃ぃ
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Sometimes I swear I鈥檓 reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it鈥檚 a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.