Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
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11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.