blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
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Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will