Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
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“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now