If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
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If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.