*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
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I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
when there are deer in the woods
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed