I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
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buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.