I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
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Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”