I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
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This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
*jazz hands*
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Namaste
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”