My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
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[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I never needed anything more in my life
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Match dot com, but for socks.