I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
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Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.