Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
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if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.