I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
You Might Also Like
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.