i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
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My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.