My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
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that wasn’t the question
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
<—- homeless romantic
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey