It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
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In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
*cough*
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
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