An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
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Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?