[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
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ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.