watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
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so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
@funTweeters I am at your service….
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”