Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
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I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad