“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
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Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now